I mentioned recently that Dear Leader is one of my favorite bands and it seems silly to use two songs by them so close together (I would never do that in a true mixtape!) but when writing this post I couldn’t think of another song with lines about knots - open to suggestions. So the best line of the song is It's not ideal, but it's how I feel… which is just such a great fuck you line to someone to life - feelings are rarely ideal. No one chooses sadness or anger or grief, but alas, we’ve all felt them. The second best line is in the chorus -
“Hold on slippery rope, tie the knot save our boat, this time is sinking
Mom had all these cute little sayings - one that she came up with after getting sick was "oh Samantha I'm just being pulled through the knot hole with this illness" and I felt terrible and wanted to think of something special she could keep with her to remind her to keep going through the knot hole. Well I Googled and Googled and in August I finally found this really pretty white topaz knot ring. I got it engraved on the inside with "thru the knot!”.
Well, I planned to give it to her when she got better....but that kept getting postponed. One weekend in October she came home from one rehab that was horrible while we worked to get her into a better, nicer rehab and I decided I should give it to her. She was so touched and she wore it every day. Her fingers kept changing
sizes because of fluid retention so everytime we Facetimed she would show me which finger it was on and go "look!! 👀". She would always get
compliments on it from doctors, nurses, paramedics and each time she would say “oh my daughter bought this for me!”. Adorable. A few of the nurses even took out and polished it for her when it was dirty. So sweet.
One day in Winchester Hospital I was holding her hand and I said "oh mom your hands are so teeny - I'm so sad none of your rings would ever fit me to borrow! I have such chubby fingers!". She laughed and said “They'll for someday and in the meantime I have earrings and necklaces and sweatshirts and sunglasses for you to borrow”. 😂 Somehow borrowing mom’s things is so much better than wearing my own, haha.
When she died the ring wasn't on her hand and I was FRANTIC. I cried. The ICU nurse Danielle said "OMG Sam I will find it! Don't w
orry!". She found it after we left, mom had tucked it under her side (maybe for safe keeping?) and they found it when they washed her up and put her in a clean Johnny to go to the funeral home. I got it back the Saturday after she passed and was so sad I could never wear it. But I washed it and put it in her little jewelry box.
A few nights later I was looking through her jewels (my favorite thing to do when I was little) and I decided to try it on just to see...turns out it fit! I have worn it almost every day since and will continue doing do to remind myself that she came through the knot hole and I will too.
It might not look the way I planned - she's in heaven and I'm here….. but she was so tough and I am lucky to have been her kid. ❤️