There is something so catchy about this song - maybe it's the "hey now, hey now!" part? If you haven't heard the original version by Crowded House please give it a listen! It instantly puts me in a better mood and it seemed appropriate for today's entry.
Something has shifted over the last few weeks - and I'm not sure if it's a natural progression of grief, the amazing spring weather or feeling lighter from the massive amounts of clutter we've purged from the house? Maybe it's a combo of all three. Friday I went to bed and realized I hadn't cried once the whole day - which was new for me. Since late-December I've been crying on a daily basis. First because mom was back in the ICU and things were so scary then because she was gone and I had no idea how to build a life without my best friend. Sometimes full out sobbing, other times just crying when I hear a song she loved or think of something I would love to tell her but can't. I haven't tried to stop myself from all these tears because I'm all about letting myself feel whatever I need to feel… But it was nice to be in a place where I could make it through a full day without tearing up. Now of course I bawled both Saturday and Sunday, grief is complicated. Monday morning we hit the 5 month mark (which feels like both a lifetime and yesterday at the same time) - I went out to get something from my car and I noticed mom's favorite rhododendron bush had a few dozen blooms - some of which had opened. I was stunned. This bush has been run over twice and replanted at least 3-4 times. It's had a rough life. Last spring we joked it must be on its last leg because we only had 1 or 2 flowers.
Today it persevered - and proved that hope might just be warranted. In the floral language, the Rhododendron says: “Everything will be better because of you!”. I'd like to think this was a sign from mom - everything will be not just okay, but better because we had her. We often say we were the luckiest kids because she was the greatest mom and even in death she's still looking out for us, giving us reasons to hope. 💜
I do really feel hopeful. For the first time in a while. I think 2021 might have started off rocky but we're about to hit our stride. There are good things on the horizon, we're taking the steps we need to take to live the life we planned for and while it doesn't look the way I expected I'm still holding out hope that it is going to be great.
I used to set monthly goals once upon a time and I realized I miss that so I'm going to give myself 3 goals for the spring > summer season :
Prioritize removing clutter - of all kinds (blog about clutter found here)
Embrace socializing now that it's safe(r) - a post about social anxiety coming soon.
Hope for the best. Even when hope doesn't feel warranted. ❤️