A few folks have reached out since my last post afraid that I am not allowing myself to grieve. To be honest (like most things) I didn’t understand the true depths of grief until I experienced it first-hand. These are some things that have helped me in navigating the roller coaster of feelings over the last two months – if you’re grieving I hope they help you too. Oh and I have always loved the song “God Only Knows” – especially the scene in Love Actually. It wound up on Mom’s farewell playlist and I usually smile and cry when I hear it now.
Since mom passed on Christmas Eve I had a week between that fateful day and her services and as I look back on it it was mostly a blur, I’m glad I journalled. Food was delivered (thank you wonderful friends for feeding us!). Decisions were made. Nights were spent in a daze. I cried a lot. Derek cried. Dad cried. Sometimes we cried together and sometimes not. Occasionally it would be like we were crying in a round (like when you were younger and would sing “Frère Jacques“). Okay quick nerd moment – when I was Googling what it’s called to sing together but staged like in that French nursery rhyme I discovered it’s called “a round”.
From Wikipedia: A round (also called a perpetual canon [canon perpetuus] or infinite canon) is a musical composition, a limited type of canon, in which a minimum of three voices sing exactly the same melody at the unison (and may continue repeating it indefinitely), but with each voice beginning at different times so that different parts of the melody coincide in the different voices, but nevertheless fit harmoniously together. Guess what a few examples are? “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” is a well-known children’s round for four voices. Other well-known examples are “Frère Jacques“, “Three Blind Mice“, and, more recently, the outro of “God Only Knows“ by The Beach Boys (the first usage in contemporary pop music).
HA! Perfect song choice for this entry.
So we cried ‘in round’, lol, we mindlessly watched movies, we told stories about mom, we listened to a million songs and we found every picture we could around the house. My amazing friend Katie Berry had them framed and delivered to the funeral home for us and I am so grateful for her because now we have a bunch of amazing moments framed forever!
I received several pieces of advice that have stuck with me and made a world of difference that were dispensed by wonderful people in my life who have all lost loved ones including my friend (and future book editor) Sandy, my amazing boss and mentor, Rachel and my long-distance grief buddy and fellow writer, Kirstin.
1. Don’t let anyone tell you how to fucking grieve.
2. Do not force YOUR coping mechanism on someone else. Conversely do not blindly accept someone else’s coping mechanism as your own.
3. Never use a trite expression like “Hope all well”. Someone is dead! Everything is most assuredly NOT well.
I’ve added two of my own, which just seem like obvious things but alas I personally experienced them both.
4. Please do not ever, ever, ever compare the loss of a parent to the time you had to put down your yellow lab of 12 years. Not appropriate.
5. Death jokes aren’t funny in a work setting when someone is just back from bereavement. Or frankly ever. Don’t be the guy or gal making death jokes in a meeting.
Now I don’t expect people to handle me with kid gloves, or assume I can’t have a conversation – but a little tact goes a long way. Especially if you have lost someone you loved. If you haven’t experienced loss, try to imagine your insides being hollowed out with a melon-baller, the feeling is close. Some days I’m fine and happy and bubbly and other days I just need to be alone and work through whatever I’m feeling. I’m incredibly grateful for a boss and coworkers that understand that and for the Pandemic where flicking my Zoom camera to “off” is so easy yet so game changing. Grieving this loss while living in the pre-Covid world would most assuredly have sucked more. One small silver lining.
Flowers I got today called “Spring Bella” from my favorite florist, A Whole Bunch Florist in Burlington, MA. I used to send mom flowers every 2 weeks while she was in the hospital / rehab so now I make sure to have them in the house to honor her.
In thinking about ways to honor mom I made a quick mental tally of what we’ve done so far –
Donated her new and unworn clothing and shoes to an amazing charity in Somerville called RESPOND that works with victims of domestic violence.
Derek and I both got tattoos to honor her – it was an amazing and very personal experience for both of us.
I had 3 different pictures turned into paintings from this artist on Etsy I love, one for each of us.
We all had cute notes she had written us over the years and I got part of one blown up and framed – looking at it makes me feel so warm inside. ❤️
I took flowers from her service and had them made into keepsake key-chains for friends and family – I cannot say enough how cool and personal this is!
My lovely friend Lauren is making blankets out of a bunch of her treasured t-shirts and sweatshirts – once they’re done I cannot wait to share pictures!
Oh and I started buying flowers for the house every few weeks. Because we weren’t allowed to visit often during Covid (or at all once she was in rehab) I would send mom flowers every 2 weeks like clockwork to make sure she always had something beautiful to look at. I think I sent every single bouquet our amazing florist (A Whole Bunch in Burlington, MA) sells at least once! I have kept up that tradition making sure we always have flowers in the house as a little tribute. See above for this week’s floral arrangement!
By far the most significant change is I started writing again after a very LONG hiatus. I am excited to say I will finally be publishing a book this year! If you know me this has been on my bucket list for 10+ years. Easily. I’m about ¾ through the writing and plan to finish this month so I can move on to the alpha reading and editing phases. I’m not sure on the release date yet – I would love to do it when we are vaccinated enough to gather for martinis to celebrate. Maybe by the late summer, early fall? Fingers crossed.
Every day navigating this post-mom world is different but one thing is always true – I still cry every single day. Sometimes it’s something silly or funny that she would say or do, sometimes it’s seeing something that reminds me of her and sometimes it’s just because I fucking miss my mom. I’ve decided that’s okay at this early stage and the best thing I can do is feel those feelings, unapologetically.
Here’s a little something I wrote on December 27th, I’m hardly a poet but it felt almost poetic.
Grief tastes like vanilla angel food cake with too sweet frosting that I have to discard.I always love frosting.Mom always hated it.Grief tastes like long naps where you just forget the world.And wake up refreshed for a split second…Before you remember that the most important person in your world is gone.Grief tastes like Italian takeout from a place you should love…But it doesn’t seem the same these days.Because nothing seems the same since you got the call.At 8:32am on Christmas Eve morning.4 mins changed everything.Grief tastes like white cheddar Cheez-itsAnd watching Goodfellas and laughing at the scene where they introduce everyone by their nicknames like “Freddy No Nose”Because mom loved to give people nicknames – like Qwen and BixbyGrief tastes like waiting for a Facetime that never comes….
