Sometimes I pick the song and get so inspired to write it just flows effortlessly….as you can see that hasn't happened yet in 2022.
I feel stuck in neutral.
I'm not particularly inspired, I haven't made any tremendous progress in any area of my life (FWIW I haven't gone backwards either)...I'm just sorta coasting, waiting for life to happen? I'm not really sure what I'm waiting for. Something, anything to shake things up and send me in my next direction.
We recently watched “Slow Horses” on Apple TV - highly recommended! There was a scene where Gary Oldman is being a petulant pain in the ass and sings The Proclaimers famous “I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)” from the car - the scene is priceless and of course the song is an earworm so it's been in my head all week. I sat down to write a note to my mom on my second Mother's Day without her and realized it had been 500 days exactly since we lost her.
Fuck.
I would walk 500 miles just to see her - hell just to hear her voice again.
Sometimes it feels like yesterday; it's impossible to get out of bed and be a person without choking back a bucket of tears. Other times I'll go a few hours before remembering that she's dead. Then it hits me and I remember I have to do this without her for the rest of my life. Navigate the good days and the bad days, make the big decisions, forgive myself for mistakes….all without her. It's gotten easier to manage, I find ways to honor her, I reflect on advice she would give before I act and I work to honor her in how I live. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I just know I could be doing better. That's life I suppose - you do the best you can with the energy you have in the moment and when you are able to give more, you do.
I'm honoring mom this Mother's Day by wearing my new Gucci sunglasses to her favorite beach (Nahant) and taking the time to appreciate the waves, listen to some of her favorite music and just relish in the 38 amazing times I got to spend the day appreciating her (rather than wallowing in the 2 I've now spent without her).
In thinking of my next 500 days I decided to focus on 3 areas (and set a reminder for September 20, 2023 to see how well I did) -
Focus on healthy choices (cooking > takeout, moving in ways your enjoy, prioritizing sleep, water and moisturizer)
Push yourself to evolve as a leader and as student (both in work and in life - focus on empathy, creativity and don't let what you do take up too much space)
Continue being open to love and the idea that things might just turn out better than you thought ❤️
