This song is a total throwback to my childhood spent listening to country music. It was a favorite of my mom's and while I knew all the words I didn't truly grasp the meaning until I was much older. You make choices in life, doing the best you can with the info you have at the time and while things don't always turn out how you expected there's really no way to know what the road you didn't take like would have looked like.
“Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time
I've got a good life now, I've moved on
So when you cross my mind
I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then and we have taken diff'rent roads
We can't go back again there's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been…”
The music video is FANTASTIC - check it out if you have a few minutes. LITTLE TEXAS - What Might Have Been (Video)
I haven't written anything in ages - May 2022 to be exact. Damn so much has changed let's do a quick recap then we'll dive into this “what might have been “ post shall we?
5 truly life-changing things that have happened in the last 27 months:
Finished my childhood home renovation and celebrated with a huge BBQ full of friends from every facet of our lives - so much fun! ❤️
Got laid off from my job after 6 years and an amazing amount of growth / personal development - so incredibly humbling and eye opening
Lost my favorite uncle to a heart attack just two weeks before he was supposed to spend Thanksgiving with us in our new home 😭. Heartbreaking..
Accepted a new role where I finally got to build my first PMO
Nearly lost my own life when what I thought was a bad bout of pneumonia turned out to be heart failure and I spent a month in the hospital. I'm doing much better and still have a lot of things to unpack surrounding this ordeal - but that's another post for another time.
So to say I find myself in a vastly different situation than last time I blogged would be an understatement. I've sat down dozens of times anticipating writing something meaningful enough to share but I've always come up short, until this weekend. I woke up Friday to the text from a friend telling me she was expecting. She and her husband had been trying for a while and I'm thrilled for them but the next realization that slammed into me actually brought tears to my eyes. I'll never have my own children. From a super young age I wanted to be a mom. I envisioned little hazel eyed brunette children sassing me just like I did to my parents….and despite the low key understanding that the path of marriage and my own biological children wasn't in the cards any longer I don't think I ever fully took a minute to mourn the unlived life I once dreamed about.
Now before the comment thread blows up let me just explain -
I'm 42. I'm single. I never envisioned having children on my own and after the health crisis I just endured I know I'm a long ways from being truly healthy enough to get there even if the stars aligned tomorrow and I found someone I could see myself building this family with. Time isn't on my side and with that I have to accept that this particular dream isn't one that will come to fruition in the way I imagined. There's something so powerful and yet so incredibly sobering about recognizing that the dreams you had held on you for so long sometimes just aren't meant to be - you have to dream a new dream.
And I've toyed with that next dream - it involves a cute single dad with kids I can love. I know in my heart I'm meant to be a mom, and I'm totally open to it however it's coming to me. Manifesting the best next chapter and continuing to improve myself while I do so… but still taking a moment to honor unlived life, those things that might have been. ✨
I love this Instagram so much - the posts about grief hit home. Thank you @geloyconcepcion.
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