I heard Mat Kearney (one t) for the first time in Starbucks in 2005 and became obsessed. He mixed hip-hop with folk and the lines of his songs were so CLEVER. My favorite album is ‘Nothing Left to Lose’ which includes the track “Where We Gonna Go From Here” - I just love the song and that feeling of “how do I move on from this?” that we have all had as you close one stage of your life and move into another
And all of your ways in all your thunder,
Got me in a haze runnin' for cover,
Where we gonna go from here,
Where we gonna go from here.
The back of your eyes look like my mothers
When we talk you're like my brother,
Where we gonna go from here,
Where we gonna go from here?
I have been in my car, lost in life and crying many times and this song always seems to fit the junction of life I've found myself at.
Now I might lose you for a second, but stay with me -
Recently we’ve been watching the Marvel movies as a family. Derek is a huge fan and I honestly forget what prompted it but we have covered “The Avengers”, “The Avengers Age of Ultron”, “Captain America Civil War”, “Captain America and the Winter Soldier”, “Infinity Wars” and “Endgame”. Never did I ever think I would be listing those in my “recently watched” but honestly - they’re pretty good! I appreciate the animations (especially the concept of Jarvis / Vision), the clever one liners and despite not being a big sci-fi or fantasy fan I find myself drawn to the characters; Wanda and Falcon are my favorites.
This post was inspired by a scene in "Endgame" (hopefully it’s old enough that this isn’t a spoiler) - there is a part where they pan to Steve Rogers (Captain America) in a basement of a church or school hosting a support group five years after the “decimation” (Thanos collected the Infinity Stones and wiped out half of life in the universe with the snap of his fingers - what an asshole) and it’s so poignant, you can feel these people grieving their losses collectively.
There's a poster on the wall that caused me to back it up and just pause.
Where do we go from here?
Obviously in this case the support group focuses on how to move on after half the world was wiped out…something I just can't imagine. One day things are normal then POOF - half the population is gone!
For me it's a reminder of all those questions I've asked myself over the last few weeks:
How do I redefine Sam?
Is it okay to focus on myself?
Am I crazy to just be happy and content with my job and not pushing to move up the proverbial corporate ladder?
Is it okay to have downtime and pursue hobbies?
Is it okay to not be obsessively checking emails?
How do I make working out and eating healthy a priority like it once was?
When will I know that I'm ready to date?
Am I too old to have kids?
Can I still have the chance to be the mom I've always wanted to be?
Sometimes all these questions lead to moments of sheer panic.
Prior to 6 or 7 months ago the only panic attack I ever had was when I got stuck on the Golden Gate Bridge and a California Highway Patrolman had to drive me to the other side in 2006 (true story) - then during a really bad ICU episode with Mom I had a full blown panic attack and I've had a few more since she passed. I can't breathe, I feel like I'm constricted or I might suffocate and it's all brought on by random, seemingly innocuous events. I'm working through them with help, don't worry.
Am I taking for granted the great things I do have going for me and the path that has led me here by even wishing for more?
No… When I'm being rational I tell myself that it's both perfectly normal and totally healthy to want more from your future self. You know what you've done to date and you know where it's brought you - why wouldn't you want more?!
I'm reminded of a Truth Bomb I loved from Danielle LaPorte -
At this moment, posting this entry I believe that to be true.
I should want more life from my life.
I should be excited to have hobbies and plan trips and meet new people.
I should look forward to adventures and new love and the possibility that it might just be better than I expect.
In one of the notes she wrote and stuck in my wallet ages ago she said-
She was always right so I have to believe her this time too. 🙂
Will I always miss my mom? Yup. Always.
On a daily basis do I still wish she was here? Absofuckinglutely
Do I owe it to her to live the bigger life for both of us? You bet.