I just released my first book - kindle and paperback available on Amazon - and this was supposed to be an extra hidden chapter but I liked it so much I decided to post it.
I heard Mat Kearney (one t) for the first time in Starbucks in 2005 and became obsessed. He mixed hip-hop with folk and the lines of his songs were so CLEVER. My favorite song from his album City of Black & White is “Closer to Love” - it just makes you so sad and so hopeful at the same time! I Googled the origin of the song and discovered that this song is, "about dealing with the difficulties of a tough world, or maybe about the tough world we see our friends living in, or maybe it's something about the growing we are all a part of—longing for something whole and perfect—like we are just passing through this place”. Indeed we are all just passing through. Seemed perfect for this special top-secret PS entry that no one, not even my alpha / beta readers or my editor saw - surprise!
Wanting to write a book and ACTUALLY writing one it turns out are two totally different things. The emotional roller coaster that comes with reviewing and editing and writing and rewriting your own work is both humbling and exhausting. There were many nights I laid awake wondering “what if no one gives a fuck?” like what if I do all this and no one but Derek and my dad read it? I consulted my wise friend, Sandy and she reiterated the following “You are an engaging writer. That has nothing to do with how it will sell or be received. Which is the SHIT part of making any art, so you have to fucking make it for you.”
She's right - I'm doing this for me, and because I know my mom would be so proud of me for finally doing it! 💜
I hope you made it through the book and moreover I hope you enjoyed it. If you found a song, a quote, a story that touched you in some way - my mission was accomplished. Where I go from here will be a new book entirely, figuratively and literally! My next big milestones include renovating my childhood home, finding my future husband and being a mom - something I've wanted since I was little, but never thought would happen without my own mom present. I was never one of those girls who dreamed about their wedding but I did dream about the fun things I would do with my kids! My mom was the best ever and if I could be half as amazing I'll be satisfied.
In choosing a song for this entry I thought of where I want to be a year or 5 years or 10 years from now and the answer was “closer to love” - so it just seemed like a perfect fit.
She got the call today, one out of the grey
And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away
She said she didn't believe, it could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon
If every building falls, and all the stars fade
We'll still be singin' this song, the one they can't take away
Gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room, prayin' "Lord come through"
We're gonna get there soon
Oh it's your light, oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark, just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now, from so far away
You pull me closer to love, closer to love
This book was spawned from a phone call that brought me to my knees on December 24th. In the days that followed saying goodbye to my mom; I made a list of all the ways to honor her and this book was top of mind. Accomplishing this is a huge deal for me and I thank you so much for being part of this journey!
My next book (Volume II where I've joked you get to see the other half of my face 😂) will take place after I've worked myself out of the ruins of grief and accepted that life does indeed move on after tragedy. Most days I'm there and I know I will be okay, even if this isn't how I planned it but that stubborn project manager in me sometimes struggles to build a new plan and dream a new dream. In that struggle I remind myself of this quote from Sir Francis Bacon -
“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand--and melting like a snowflake…”.