“Listen all y'all, it's a sabotage…”
What other song could possibly be more appropriate for a post about self-sabotaging than a little Beastie Boys?
I've been mulling this one over a lot lately and thought I should share because I might be able to help someone else.
Self-sabotage is when we actively or passively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals. It comes in many forms - substance abuse, overeating, chronic lateness, procrastination, chronic worrying.
I have become the Queen of self-sabotage in my personal life in one very specific area. I keep telling myself I'm going to start dating....
But then I decide I'm not QUITE ready because of grief or because I'm not fit enough or because I don't look as pretty as I did in 2019 and I don't want to take new photos. So I just put it off and refocus my energy on something else.
Taking on a new mentee in my professional network, reading a new book, redesigning the house, volunteering at my favorite charity, brainstorming, thinking about writing my first fiction piece, pinning Fall recipes I should try, early Christmas shopping…. You name it and I've done it to avoid putting effort in to dating.
I've been working with a life coach named Kirstin and she is just awesome. We have been social media friends since she taught a fitness class I attended back in 2013/2014 and I've always loved her posts and logic. We bonded early on in our sessions because she lost her dad (who was her best friend) and spent a lot of time working through her grief and she is also a massive over-achiever. After making my typical excuses but admitting I was self-sabotaging she asked a question that made me stop right in my tracks - “Do you think you're afraid of moving on in life without my mom and that's why you're self-sabotaging? She isn't there to vet the people with you or discuss the dates after BUT your love for her and the closeness you had means you KNOW how she would react and I guarantee she wouldn't want you putting everyone else ahead of yourself and avoiding this”.
Ugh. She's right.
I said this in my book and I stand behind it - I never wanted to do this life without my mom. I planned to have her for another 20-30 years (in case this is your first time reading she passed away in December 2020 at age 68 after being perfectly healthy for 67 ½ years). She was my best friend. She was going to dance with my husband at my wedding and be the best Nana to my kiddos. I had our lives all planned out…. But the universe had a curveball I didn't expect.
So… What do I do now? I recognize I need to move on with my life and these goals I've been touting for decades. With Kirstin’s help I made a plan.
Set a deadline to put myself back out there. I picked 11/11 because it's my favorite number.
Take some pictures.
Rewrite my bio - ask friends and Derek for help painting myself in the best light
Years ago one of the guys I worked with said he had a lot of success online dating because he always insisted on a Facetime first. Just 10-15 mins, say hi and make sure you have the initial “ I want to talk to this person” chemistry” then make plans. You'll have a much better time and avoid the initial awkwardness. I'm totally going to try that this time around.
What other tips do I need to include as I launch myself back into the dating world?? Share below! ❤️
Oh and the day I finally accepted I was self-sabotaging I saw this on Instagram and it just felt so spot on -