I had a few songs I thought about for this post but I went with “Susie Q.”by Creedence Clearwater Revival because Suzie or Suzette was one of her silly nicknames and I had to love to sing to her.
Today is my first Mother's Day without my mom. I knew this was coming of course, but not just because of the 54687 advertisements since early April (so annoying). When mom passed one of my first thoughts on the drive home from the hospital on Christmas Eve was “Okay what milestones do we have to tackle and how far into grief will we be?”.
I'm a planner, I always feel better with a plan.
So I rattled off the following in my head -
Christmas? Ha. No. Christmas is canceled. Christmas is tomorrow. Let's go to the beach in the rain and cry about mom instead. Done.
January - January 30th - My 39 and holding birthday? Damn. Okay, I need a separate plan for this day. That's approximately 30 days away and it's going to be fresh still. Right? (Note- it was very fresh but my dad and Derek made it a great day along with a few surprises from wonderful girlfriends). 💜
February - Valentine's day? I'll buy myself flowers. Done.
Okay 3 solid months without any obvious triggers - I can do this. I'll be in a better place by the spring. I'll likely still cry every day but I'll survive. Right?
May, what's in May? Ugh. Mothers Day? Fuck. That one will hit hard.
Well here we are….and it's hitting hard. I still cry once a day, every day. I'll think of something silly or hear a song or just miss her wisdom when I'm stressed. I miss going for pedicures. I miss coffee dates and rides to the beach. I miss sending her flowers and seeing her get so excited by the arrangements or favorite florist comes up with for her. I miss talking about life and listening to our favorite songs. I miss her giggle. I miss her being fresh (stealing things and hiding them, making faces, roasting me when I'm being ridiculous 😂). I miss going for ice cream for dinner because sometimes you just need to be spontaneous! I miss hearing her stories, even the ones I knew by heart. I miss her BitMojis (that really looked just like her!) and random texts full of emojis (her favorites included 👀, 🤥 and 🦀). I just miss her.
It's so funny looking back because I would send her flowers randomly all the time or buy her cute things I saw that reminded me of her (and vice versa). I never needed a special day to remind me how much I loved her. She was my BFF and I was grateful for her and her unconditional love every day. I never question that she knew how much I loved her nor do I question her love for me.
I've been participating in a grief group that's helping immensely. That said I was really saddened and stunned to see so many people say that Mother's Day makes them angry because other people don't deserve to still have their moms. That's horrible. I wouldn't wish the pain I feel on someone else. Do I wish I could have mom back? Yes, every single day. Am I jealous other people have their moms? Sure, but jealousy is a wasted emotion. If I could do things over again would I? Only if I got to relive the wonderful times. I wouldn't want to relive the 6+ months of mom being so sick, going through that once in a lifetime was enough. I think she would agree.
How are we spending this Sunday? I bought fancy sandwich provisions and nice lemonade - we're taking lunch to Mom's favorite beach and having ourselves a little picnic. Oh and staying off social media! 💜 I hope if you read this and are having a tough day (because I know Mother's Day can be complicated) you go listen to your favorite song or take a walk in nature or eat something delicious and remember - it's just one day and things can always get better.